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Found-footage Horrors: PLEASE, NO MORE!

Break out the camcorders and bring in the fun! Hollywood will pick up your “found-footage conspiracy” straight from the attic. There are so many reasons to hate the new film style horror movies like [REC], Paranormal Activity, Cloverfield just to name a few. In fact, I recently watched the horror/found-footage movie Alien Origin (why on Earth was this released beats me) and was bored to tears. Truthfully, I’d jump on the bandwagon if I saw a bright future ahead for this type of movie, but clearly there isn’t one. Here are some reasons why:

Lights Screen turned black. Oh sh*t, oh shi*, oh SH*T I’m not looking! To be fair, special effects and costume design are tough things for any horror film to deliver convincingly, but seriously, if your scary movie gets its rocks off from periodic 15-second scenes of darkness followed by a shocking, camera flying, monster scene, there’s a special place in hell for it. When the action begins, these movies actually have very short-lived shots with bright light. Are they supposed to feel more real when the night-vision is turned on? Apparently, that’s when the acting gets decent. You win some, you lose some.
Sound There’s a giant, eight-legged alien right above you, it’s creepin’, all ready to eat you up. Just when the air gets heavy and you realize something doesn’t feel right, you hear…popcorn popping? Or is that, someone cracking their knuckles? OH SH*T IT’S DANGER! I can’t begin to understand, first of all, how some of these movies pass off as found-footage when there’s clearly no boom & mic picking up sounds. Are the monsters sound-wired? Thanks a lot Big Brother for ruining the surprise! Second of all, the mics seem to pick up EVERYTHING but normal chatter. I’m talking lazy Sunday, lounging in the haunted room chatter; it wouldn’t help the plot, but it’d sure make it believable. Some extra could have dialogued something really mundane before the zombies busted through the door, but we’ll never know. The camera guy sometimes has to get in faces like paparazzi during an important conversation when, in contrast, his camera can apparently pick up the sub sonic growls of Godzilla itself.
Playing the Angles Some of my favorite, funniest moments of watching these movies is when the camera recording switches mediums; it’s a camcorder one-moment, filming first hand amputations and crap, and jumps view to a security camera watching—wait, isn’t releasing that footage a company liability?—and sometimes a phone camera that looks like someone’s eyes are at their waist. The funniest part of all is when the main camera getss f*cked up, there’s always someone around with another one; I wish they’d say “hey, I like what you’re doing, please continue to document our unimportant deaths.” Please, please, for the love of humanity, stop making found-footage movies like these.
Groups Remember the old days? Half-naked chick alone, walking through a hallway yelling “Is anybody there?” like she didn’t notice the floor was abandoned and littered with dead bodies and stuff. I miss that, I really do. Then there were those fluid scenes where victims got picked off one by one by the perpetrator. Ah, yes….the creativity. However, nostalgia aside, it seems like in “real life” we travel in groups with one person holding the main camera (occasionally dropping it violently for added suspense), and the rest of us there to enjoy an adventure and point at shiny things. Ok, that may sound true, but a real-life monster wouldn’t hunt a group around for days and pounce on them all at once, RIGHT BEFORE THE END CREDITS. Ok, you’re right, sometimes the cameraman is alone (or a character is exploring something by him/herself), but it doesn’t justify how quickly the movie comes to a close after all that suspense.
Action Camera follows attractive, completely defenseless actors to their deaths by an unseen force of nature. No twists, no turns, definitely no interesting character personalities, and an eeriness that you could be there (throw me in there let me kick its ass!). That about sums it up. Bad horror movies, actually, have never been especially adept at delivering a good story. That’s why they’re called bad movies. Yes, found-footage horror movies are bad movies. In conclusion, please stop making them for the love of humanity; they’ll only get worse. They’re like scary amateur pornos without the porn.
How this style of movie-making competes with newer movie making technology, better stories, and classic horror styles is questionable.

Don't be sad, be scared

This is a list of all the contemporary found-footage movies: Film Index -> By Genre -> Found-footage Horror

List taken from CHEM1ZON YouTube Channel


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